Shame is the feeling that there is something defective or deeply wrong with one’s self. Children with attachment issues or early life trauma are especially vulnerable to feeling deeply ashamed of themselves. Sometimes they have the mistaken notion that it was their behavior that led to relinquishment. For example, one child believed she had hit her birth mom and that was the reason for relinquishment. In reality, her birth mom’s unsuccessful struggles with methamphetamine dependence were the real cause.
Additionally, kids with early attachment and trauma have increased difficulty with emotional regulation. Often times small triggers lead to tantrums they can’t stop themselves. This inability at self-control is a major cause of toxic shame, or feeling bad about one’s self.
A healthy sense of shame — the knowledge that I did something I should not have — can lead a child to try harder to avoid misbehaving. Toxic shame, however, results if a child comes to believe he or she is defective or bad to one’s core. Toxic Shame is deeply painful and destructive. Rather than feel toxic shame, a child will act out in extreme ways.
Here are key therapeutic parenting recommendations for parents to protect children from toxic shame and to help kids repair a healthy sense of self if they are at risk of toxic shame:
1) Use “Pizzaz” frequently. Pizzaz is any compliment that highlights the successes or positive qualities of the child: ‘I really liked the effort you showed when you shared your new toy car with your brother.” “That is not easy to do!” “Way to go!” Catch a child being “good,” effortful or positive and give them Pizzaz!
2) Avoid following discipline with rejection or withdrawal of love. Let the consequence be the punishment. Once it is served, let the child back into your good graces and positive feelings, quickly. Don’t keep making them pay.
3) Avoid delivering consequences with long lectures or an angry tone. Sometimes parents use a condemning tone to reinforce that the child has been bad and help them “get the message.” This increases shame. Rather, let the consequences deliver the message, and keep the tone neutral and calm.
4) We as parents need to work on our own emotional reactivity and avoid making devaluing comments.
5) Normalize the child’s feelings and urges in the moment. It is natural for a child to be upset if they do not get their way. Rather then tell a child they are bad, let them know that it is hard dealing with such feelings. Actively empathize with the child by telling them — “it is hard not getting what you want.” “I am sorry it is so hard for you.” This shows empathy and that the child’s feelings are normal. “Of course you don’t feel like doing your homework. I felt that way too.”
6) When dysregulation of the child occurs, usually there is a deeper experience of loss that triggered the emotional outburst. Be sure to address and deal with the loss experience that is driving the behavior. This can be a good reason to seek professional help.
7) Reinforce the child’s ability to do hard things, with effort and practice. Reframe the child’s “I can’t” statements with different languaging such as: “You just have not done it yet…” or “You won’t.” For example, the child says “I can’t get control of my temper.” Emphasize that they can work at and learn how by staying “It is hard to control temper, and you haven’t done it yet, but you can.”
8) When a child has acted out use the phrase “At Least……” to give partial credit for something they did right. The child learns they are not “all bad.” For example, if the child has tantrumed for a half hour due to not getting something they wanted, tell them “You did have a tantrum, but At Least it was for a half hour and not a full hour like last week.” In other words, find things that are small improvements and highlight them. “You said a mean word to your brother, but At Least you stopped yourself from hitting him.”
In short, small changes can go a long way to protect our kids from toxic shame.